Do you ever feel like this?
Like life can’t get any worse because you are in so much pain (whether physical or emotional) that you just want to disappear.
Out of the Ashes
Out of the Ashes
Written by Brooke Hamel
I was there. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I had bruises all over me but they weren’t physical. Nothing was visible. To the world we had this perfect happy little family and I made sure that’s all they saw. Not even my closest friends knew.
But inside I was dying. I had lost myself and worse I had lost hope. I’m not going to tell you things suddenly got better after I wrote that poem. They didn’t. There was no, “I determined to survive so I did”. It wasn’t that easy. It took time – a lot of time. It took constantly choosing to survive. It took realizing my kids were being hurt. And each day was a battle. There even came a point when I was just numb.
For me my kids gave me a reason to fight. Not in the physical sense but for my survival, our survival. I had to protect them. You may not have that but you just feel stuck. Or maybe you do have kids but you’ve been hurting for so long that even that isn’t enough. You don’t know where to go or what to do. Everything just hurts. Because it does, abuse hurts. It doesn’t matter what type it is or how long it’s gone on. It hurts. It hurts and it leaves you afraid of asking for help. Afraid of telling someone what is going on. My life was fear.
For 6 and a half years I was married to a narcissist. He began manipulating me from day 1. The gas lighting started within a month of our marriage. I never knew what mood he’d come home in, whether he’d yell or punch a wall. It started slow but more and more as he knew I wasn’t going to leave, he let himself show. He would tell me he loved me and that I was beautiful and he just didn’t know what he’d do without me. But then I’d find porn on his phone and he’d lie. Or I’d try to talk with him about something and he’d turn it into a fight. He’d twist everything I said and somehow he always ended up a victim and I always ended up in tears. We never solved a single fight. Many times I thought I was crazy.
Eventually his addictions showed. First cigars then vaping (no big deal) but then there was the Kratom which would go on to hurt us financially. And later the alcohol which would reveal everything.
So what changed? How did I survive?
I found things to help. Writing let me express my feelings. Posting under a pen name allowed me to feel heard. I eventually took a chance and reached out to a friend for prayer. I began to really pray and seek the Lord on what I should do. And there were still times when it would get to be too much and I just needed a little time alone. I’d leave my son(2 at the time) with his sister (14 at that time) and I’d drive out to the lakeside hiking trails. I’d hike and talk to God or I’d sit and just cry for a bit then say a prayer and pull myself back together. Maybe these things don’t appeal to you. But maybe you read or like to bike. Maybe a little time to yourself watching the sunset or sitting out under the stars will help you find strength. It doesn’t really matter what it is so long as it gives you strength and hope to keep pushing on and survive.
As a Christian I had been taught that the only reason I could leave was if he cheated (and pornography didn’t count). But God tells us very clearly how to love and how to treat our spouse and abuse is definitely not it. Over many prayers and a worsening situation God gave me peace about leaving.
I don’t know your situation. I’m not going to tell you to leave(unless you or your children are in immediate danger in which case please get out now).
I’m also not going to tell you to stay. I’ve seen God work some big miracles on people, on couples. So I know He can absolutely change a person and heal a marriage. But only God knows what the future holds. So what I will tell you is to Pray.
You may not believe in God and that’s alright. You may believe He exists but have given up on Him. That’s alright too. But do something for me, Say this prayer.
Heavenly Father,
I feel alone. I feel trapped. I feel (whatever it is that you are feeling). I am hurting and I don’t know what to do. Comfort me and give me hope. Show me how to survive.
Amen
God has brought me out of the ashes. I was hurt and now I’m healing. I survived my abuser and now I am thriving. It is my sincerest desire to bring you hope. My purpose here is to teach you what abuse is, how you can get help and find healing.